Bear Down

Column Name Change

2007-02-21T13:23:00.000-06:00

The off-season reports column - Check Mate - has been renamed "Line Shift". This change is retroactive. Why? Check mate is typically linked to chess. This isnt a chess blog.

Goodbye, Marty...Hello, Norv?

2007-02-20T15:02:00.000-06:00

When Chargers owner Dean Spanos got rid of head coach Marty Schottenheimer last Monday, nobody was really surprised. The relationshiop between Schottenheimer and team G.M. A.J. Smith had deteriorated to the point where the two men were no longer speaking to each other. Schottenheimer also allowed both his offensive and defensive coordinators to interview for, and ultimately leave for head coaching positions - with the Dolphins and the Cowboys, respectively - a move that sealed Marty's fate. It's also worth mentioning that Marty's playoff record is 5-13, including this year's loss to the Patriots in the Divisional round.

Shits pants in playoffs

Already behind the 8-ball by firing Marty when other teams had already chosen a new head coach, and knowing that they have a Super Bowl caliber roster that needs to win now if it's going to win at all, the Chargers front office set off on it's quest to bring a winning coach to San Diego. But, with the best candidates already off the market via hiring or retirement, qualified candidates were few - none with successful experience as a head coach. So, instead of hiring an upwardly mobile coordinator to his first head coaching posistion, San Diego's brain trust hired Norval Eugene Turner - a guy who has a lifetime 58-82-1 head coaching record first with the Washington Redskins, and later with the Oakland Raiders.

Shits pants during regular season

So, Chargers fans - you traded a guy who couldn't win in the post-season for a guy who can't even get to the post-season. Brilliant.

In fairness to Norv, the guy is an offensive genius - and has made star running backs out of Emmit Smith, Ricky Williams, LaDainian Tomlinson and Frank Gore to name a few. He just sucks ass when he's responsible for the entire team. Sometimes, probably more often than not, brilliant coordinators should remain coordinators - see Kiffin, Monte.

Line Shift...Adios, Chico

2007-02-19T23:37:00.000-06:00

The Bears today made official their displeasure with Ron Rivera by not making an attempt to re-sign the now former Defensive Coordinator. Rivera has signed on with the San Diego Chargers, to be the Linebackers Coach - the same position he held with the Eagles prior to becoming D-Coordinator in Chicago.

Go to the Whale's Vagina, Ron Rivera

While initial reaction may be shock or despair, it should be noted that Rivera - as the guy who coordinates the Defense - is largely responsible for the Bears' visible ineptitude in our most recent two playoff losses. In 2005, Steve Smith of the Carlina Panthers made Soldier Field his own personal play-pen, scoring on the Panthers' 2nd offensive play of the game and totaling 12 catches for 218 yards and 2 TD's. Staunch defense? Right...

The "vaunted Bears D" started the 2006 season off hot, posting league-leading defensive numbers, and saving our collective ass in the Arizona desert. But, as the second half of the season rolled around - and missing Tommy Harris and Mike Brown - the D crumbled. After allowing 0 (zero!!) 300+ yard games in the first half of the season, in the second half the Bears allowed opponents to net 300 yards 5 times, 4 of those were 350+ and 1 of those topped 400 - against the Rams. Also in the game vs. St. Louis, someone thought it was a good idea to put rookie kick returning sensation Devin Hester in the game to cover Torry Holt (Torry Holt!!) while the Rams were in the "red zone". Holt scored. Oops.

In what would prove to be Rivera's final game mishandling our defense, the mighty Monsters of the Midway were easily picked apart by an Indianapolis team that recognized early the rainy conditions inside Pro Player Stadium were not suited for a "bombs away" attack. One would hope that the Bears would adjust quickly to their new challenge - at least by halftime. But, as the fates would have it, our un-coordinated D adjusted to nothing, and Peyton Manning and his Colts would nickel-and-dime the Bears to defeat.

Gracias, Chico.

edit: Let's also not forget that this guy has interviewed for 9 head coaching jobs over the last two years, and has been awarded the job zero times. Something's seriously wrong with this dude.

Line Shift

2007-02-17T13:42:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the first installment of "Line Shift", what should be your only source for the off-season moves of a certain team, in a certain town that starts with a "C", ends with an "O", and in the middle is "hicag".

According to Chicago Tribune sports reporter John Mullin, the Bears have re-signed Special Teams guru Dave Toub. Toub, who received a 3 year contract extension, should continue to produce near-league leading Special Teams performances. We can only hope that the S.T. unit will be able to win us a few games when Rex The Wonder Bear forgets what jersey his team is wearing that day. Fuckin retard.

Hurricane Devin - ravaging opponents' endzones like Katrina with cleats

Also of note - Bears G.M. Jerry Angelo has spanked Lance Briggs' ass with the franchise tag. A few things about this move should have Bears fans concerned:

1. Though his first choice would be to return to the Bears, Briggs has stated that he would be very upset if he was hit with the franchise tag.

2. Briggs' agent is famed cocksucker and all-pro fuckface Drew Rosenhaus. While he has kept a lower profile in recent months, Rosenhaus has been directly behind a number of players' holding out of OTA's and training camp in hopes of upgraded contracts. Also interesting is that Rosenhaus represents Bears RB Thomas Jones, who has made public his discontent with his contract and has talked of holding out.

Loves the cock

Stay tuned for more Line Shift, Motherfucker

SSSLLAAYYEERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-17T02:18:00.000-06:00

Wait for it...wait for it...KILL!!!

Dont like Slayer? Fuck you.

The Fat Fuck of Notre Dame

2007-02-16T18:49:00.000-06:00

I cant help it, I just love gravy

It seems as though Notre Dame's resident lardass is pursuing malpractice litigation against two surgeons, who Weis claims were grossly negligent during his initial post-op recovery. The Notre Dame Doughboy claims that due to this negligence he needed another surgery, spent over a month in the hospital, almost died, and has lasting nerve damage in his feet. Weis claims that after he had the gastric bypass surgery - a procedure from which at least 1 in 50 die - he suffered from internal bleeding and an infection for two days before doctors took action to remedy his ails.

A tragic story? Nah, more like the direct results of living like a pig. It's hard to believe that Fatty Fatty 2x4 couldnt do better than McD's or Wendy's. This is no longer 1970, and the player's meals are no longer 5 steaks and 4 baked potatoes. These dudes are fed scientifically planned meals, with direct regard to personal well being - are we to believe that Weis was not permitted to eat the same food available to players? Doubtful. Did Charlie's wife refuse to pack her chubby hubby a decent lunch and/or dinner? Not buying that, either.

Malfunctioning biochemistry notwithstanding, most fatasses are that way because they eat shitty food - and way too much of it. They're like fucking cheeseburger vacuum cleaners. At least, that's how I got to be tubby - and I know I'm not the only one. So, what is a person to do after they've swallowed their way to gargantuan status? Eat decent fucking food and get that fat ass on a treadmill. Sweet jumping Jesus Christ, this isnt a fucking secret.

Could not be reached for comment

Note to Charlie: Your feet are going to hurt if they always have to carry the weight of a school bus on them every day. Drop a ton or two, see if that "nerve damage" doesnt fix itself.

Also, someone please get Whitlock on a diet - I dont want to find out I'm not going to ever get new columns from him because he tried to swallow a whole chicken and died.

Dear Ted Phillips,

2007-02-16T14:54:00.000-06:00

Ted Phillips, Bears President

Please dont fuck up this Lovie Smith thing. This is not a request - it's an order. To make the case for getting Coach Smith a new contract as soon as humanly possible, let's take a look at what goals he set for himself and the team when he was hired in January 2004:

1. Beat the Packers
Mission accomplished in his 1st year as head coach

2. Win the NFC North Divisional Title
Mission accomplished in his 2nd year as head coach

3. Win the Super Bowl
Mission 1/2 accomplished - went to the Super Bowl in his 3rd year as head coach, lost to the Indianapolis Colts.

In addition to the timely accomplishment of these goals, we have learned that Coach Smith is a shining example of the new breed of NFL head coaches. Rather than emulating the Parcells/Coughlin/Gruden school of task-mastering, hard-ass screamers, Coach Smith emulates, rather embodies, the Dungy school of nurturing and encouragement. Coach Smith knows how to relate to his players, and knows how to get the best out of his players. Now, Coach Smith might not be in the realm of the "brainiac, mad scientist" coaches like Belichick, but Coach Smith also wont be caught fucking another man's wife.

Re-sign This Man

So, let's review - we've got a high character coach, who relates well to and gets the most out of his players. He's also a coach who isnt afraid to set goals, and then does what's necessary to accomplish those goals. The Bears organization hasn't re-signed this man why? It had Goddamned well not be because he's black, or because we lost Super Bowl XLI. Let's remember that the last time we played in the Super Bowl was January 1986. 21 long, shitty years ago.

Lovie Smith has the ability to be Chicago's version of Bill Cowher - a man who provides the probability of reaching the Playoffs almost every year, and also a man who can effectively handle rebuilding years, which are inevitable and normal. In other words, Coach Smith brings a winning record and attitude, along with the stability that the Bears franchise has lacked for too many years.

Ted Phillips - pay this man his money. Right fucking now.

A New Age of Sports Blogging Has Begun

2007-02-15T20:21:00.000-06:00

Or, maybe more accurately - another NFL based, dick + fart joke laden blabberfest has begun. This'll be mostly an outlet for the almost 30 years of assfuckery the Chicago Bears my friends and I have endured. Of course, there will also be pieces shat from my keyboard about the 31 other NFL franchises, and maybe a little NCAA ball too. You see, I like football - you could even say that I love it. Football, though, does not love me back. In fact, football looks at me like I have a yellow star attatched to my shirt, and it desperately wants me to get in the shower. So, I'll bitch, moan, piss, whine - maybe a guest blogger or two will join me. It's even possible that other people will enjoy this thing. Probably not, though.

I write this blog not only for myself and friends, but for all the other poor assholes that - like us - continue to sing this fucking song every Sunday.

Sweet Jesus, we're all fucked.